JokesEver since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone being under my bed at night. So, one day I went to a psychologist and told him.
"I've got problems, doc. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said he." Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.."
"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it." I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! Heck, a friend cured me for $10." I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!"
This Mensa puzzle is a test of intelligence. Think very carefully before you make a decision.
Situation - You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the horse and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
Q: What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?...
A: Click here.
There was an old man and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a Voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Two elderly gentlemen are talking. "I'm getting older now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"
"I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."
Today's Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and rushed right over.
“Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget it for now. It’s dinnertime. Come eat with us, and then we’ll come back and I will help you turn the wagon back up.”
“That’s mighty nice of you, ” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw, come on,” the farmer insisted, “you have to eat! We’ll get back to the wagon soon.”
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish.” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”
“Under the wagon.”
Little Timmy sat playing in the garden.
When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale. "No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Timmy.
"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!"
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily.
"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay—now get out and don't come back!"
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"
"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!"
"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"
Bubba Had Shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counselor. The counselor asked, "Please describe your two loves."
"Well, one is a great poet."
"And the other?"
"The other makes delicious pancakes."
"I see. So, you can't decide whether to marry for batter or for verse."
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
As the owner of an old clunker, a woman was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns.
One day at the supermarket, just after she had filled her trunk with groceries, she noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. She knew she had to get home before the car was once again out of action.
When she arrived, she asked her husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, she braced herself for his diagnosis.
When he came back in, he was smiling.
"It's apple juice," he said.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."
I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old boat, a trailer and a motor from me.
"Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."
Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd sold everything.
"How did you manage that?" I marveled.
"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.' When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage. Bought that, too."
A guy moved to Arizona at the urging of his doctor. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"My doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is this really a good place to live?"
"It sure is! When I first arrived here, I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head and I didn't have the strength to walk across a room. I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful! How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?"
"You told me to put my money in that big bank and now, that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the oldest, largest and most stable banks in the state. There must be some mistake."
"I don't think so. They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
A clergyman is walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment and I'll give you a hand"?
"No, thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again, the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer. "He's under the load of hay".
A man had worked late and his Labrador was so overjoyed to see him arrive home that he jumped up just as he leaned down. Their heads collided and he sported an impressive shiner for several weeks.
He had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how he came by it and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom he hadn't seen for some time looked at his black eye and exclaimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"
"The dog did it," he wearily replied.
A man standing next to us looked over at him and said knowingly, "Ah, you must own a boxer."
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After two years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.
Eventually, he arrived at his house and he rang the door bell.
His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good for nothing bum! Where have you been? You escaped over 12 hours ago!"
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone. Not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser.
"Why are you using our telephone?" he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said. "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
After a trial had been going on for three days, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.
The man looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started, I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all of the evidence against me."
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in an Arkansas licensed Rolls Royce at a traffic light. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do!"
"I got one too. See?" the Texan says.
"Uh huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in the back?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "No! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right back here," the Texan replies.
The light turns green and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in the back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen Beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan. "What's up?"
"Check this out! I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh, come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?"
"Oh, come on. There's nobody around. They're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh, please, please. I like you so much!"
"No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh, yes you can. Please!"
"No, no. I just can't."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled.
In a sleepy voice, the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or, I can do it. Or, if need be, he'll come down and do it himself. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
A one and a half-years-old little girl was playing with her tea set. Her dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and a lot of praise for such yummy tea, her mom came home. Her dad made her mom wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Her mom waited and sure enough, there she came down the hall with a cup of tea for her dad and she watched him drink it up. Her mom then said, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Three unemployed factory workers applied for jobs at a large food company. After filling out applications and being interviewed, each one managed to get hired.
The hiring boss said to the foreman, "These are your new workers."
"I can't use them. That first guy? At his last job, he snapped for no reason. The second guy cracked up under stress and the third guy: he's their father!"
"Well, then put them in our breakfast cereal division. Snap, Crackle and Pop will work out fine."
Man 1: "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow."
Man 2: "What are you getting her?"
Man 1: "Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."
Man 2: "And?"
Man 1: "Her exact words were, 'Oh, I don't know. Just give me something with diamonds in it.'"
Man 2: "So?"
Man 1: "I bought her a deck of cards."
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.
They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty."
Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty."
One hour later, they check again.
"Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining about severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom. When it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
A man was selling his house and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After the man read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have. Why d'ye ask?"
Replied the man, "Cancel the sale! 'Ties too good to part with."
A soldier was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope.
One day, the soldier received a letter with the familiar "SAL" message on the envelope. He noticed that the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't stick. Resealed in Seattle."
A bricklayer routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box.
"I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day. "Tonight, I'll set my wife straight."
The next day, the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what happened.
"You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across."
He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut and a hammer.
The accountant came to work looking exhausted. After awhile, his boss took him aside and said, "You look terrible! What's wrong?"
"Sorry. I just couldn't get to sleep last night."
"Why didn't you try counting sheep?"
"That was the problem. I made a mistake and it took me the rest of the night to find it."
A man passing an orchard noticed a farmer with a herd of pigs gathered around his feet. The farmer was holding a pig up above his shoulder so that it could bite off an apple. Then he put the pig down and raised another and then another.
The passerby shouted to the farmer, "Why don't you just shake the tree and let the apples fall on the ground? That would save a lot of time."
The farmer responded, "What do pigs care about time?"
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please, doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee!"
"Don't worry," says the doctor. "I'll put some cream on it."
"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor. "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
"Oh! It happened in the garden behind my house."
"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated. "I mean on the part of your body the bee stung you."
"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!"
"Which one?" the doctor asked.
"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age 65?" "Yes, I remember," I said. "Well," my broker continued. "Your retirement age is now 108."
At the banquet of their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!"
An old, tired looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out. The next day, he was back. He resumed his position in the hall and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar that said, "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day, he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar. It said, "He lives in a home with ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?!"
While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Big-Mart store, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won first place, which was a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won sixth prize, which was a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Big-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great! I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you? How's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy!"
A man and his wife were arguing about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
"No, that's not my job. You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job. I can just wait for my coffee."
"No, you should do it. It says so in the Bible."
"I can't believe that. Show me."
"Right here! See? It says, 'Hebrews!'"
Joe goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner, right near a large bank.
One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Joe if he can lend him some money.
"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well and I'm not asking for much."
"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot, I had to sign a Non-competition Agreement with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they don't sell hot dogs and I don't lend money."
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said. "He doesn't need one. I always do the driving."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
There was a woman who was very very pregnant. Although she was going to have a single baby girl, it looked as if she were going to have triplets.
A little girl, about four years old standing on tiptoe on the other side of the counter, was just staring at Donna in wonderment. Finally, the little girl dramatically pointed at Donna’s abdomen and exclaimed loudly, “What’s that?”
Donna, somewhat embarrassed, explained politely to the little girl, “I’m pregnant. That means I am going to have a baby, a girl, and it will grow up to be just like you.”
The little girl asked, “Do you love the baby?”
Donna replied, “Of course I love the baby.”
The little girl then exclaimed, “If you love the baby, why did you eat it?”
"How is it that you never married?"
"I just never met the right woman. I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now, surely you have met at least one girl you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that, she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?"
"She was looking for the perfect man."
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner than she flopped down in front of the TV, her door bell rang. There stood her date.
He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're still not ready?"
Two 100-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him everyday. One day, Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow, you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight, a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," Moe. Moe."
"Who is it"? asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it"?
"Moe, it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you"?
"In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," Joe says "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news"?
"You're pitching Tuesday."
A mom was concerned about her Kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.
So, she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her"?
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The friend said, "Well, who is she"?
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied. "And her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodness? Who the heck is she and why is she following us"?
"Well," Timmy explained. "Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven. There, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it Heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then, the door flew open and in bounced George.
"You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"
"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."
There was this city girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
"Sir," she inquired. "Why doesn't this cow have any horns"?
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone.
"Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes, we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times, we can fix up the young 'urns by putting a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in and that stops 'me cold."
"Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But, the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper"? asked Gallagher. "They say I died!"
"Yes, I saw it," replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from"?
A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first, would you marry again"?
"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply. "But, I think eventually, I would remarry."
"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house"?
"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it."
"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed"?
"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."
"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs"?
"Of course not! He's lefthanded!"
A man was stopped by a game warden in with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish"?
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Yep. Every night, I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim around for awhile. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of baloney! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've got to see this!"
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well"?
"Well, what"? said the man.
"When are you going to call them back"?
"Call who back"?
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.
"Hey Chris," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell. It's late. Come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."
"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Chris replied.
"Aw, come on, son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty meal, Chris thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway"?
"Under the wagon."
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.
The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.
The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing.
Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes, "Taa Daa!"
A young boy had just gotten his Driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for it and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings"?
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me"?
A little voice came out of the box and said, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor is gone awhile and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.
"Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."
As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns.
One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action.
When I arrived, I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis.
When he came back in, he was smiling.
"It's apple juice," he said.
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit"? he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am"? the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am"? he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meatloaf for dinner tonight and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly and I know I have the recipe right, because it's the one you gave me. But, it just didn't come out right and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George, because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong"?
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step and together we'll figure it out."
"Okay," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef.'"
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son"? The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you"? said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill"?
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."
Mr. and Mrs. Jones are retired, and Mrs. Jones insists her husband go with her to Big-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Jones loves to browse. One day, Mrs. Jones gets this letter from Big-Mart:
15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off a beaten track, when out of the bushes, jumped the Game Warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, but hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath. The Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there. Well, he don't have one.
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made.
"For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."
"What on Earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away"? asked a sarcastic member of the group.
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but I bet it sounds something like, 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww'"?!
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life"?
"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life"?
"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.
A grocer put up a sign that read, "Eggplants, 25˘ each or three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming, "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly, the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign"?
"What mistake"? the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign, no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son, Bob, in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her." He then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me"?
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He pointed his flashlight around, looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that"? He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you"?
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses"? the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses"?
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler, Jesus.
A guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.
The zoo tells the guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.
The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.
This isn't so bad, he thinks and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest, roaring and swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.
He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "You better be quiet or we'll both lose our jobs!"
A guy walked into a doctor's office. The receptionist asked him, "What do you have"?
"Shingles," he said, so she wrote down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. Again, the guy answered "Shingles," so she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and showed him to the examining room.
A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. For the third time, the guy answered, "Shingles," so the nurse gave him a blood test, checked his blood pressure, took an electrocardiogram and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later, the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.
"Outside on the truck. Where do you want them"?
Food Spoilage Tests for Bachelors:
THE GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS AND SULTANAS: Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewilderedly and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window stating the following: "Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded.
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
She continued: "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom " as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine in to someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much?! I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does your dog have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. I always do the driving."
The farmer stood in his chicken yard watching hundreds of baby chicks running here and there. He kept pointing to them and trying to count them. "One, two, three, four, five, six,... oh, no..." then he would start over, "one, two, three, four, and,... oh, no." Then he'd start over again.
Finally he said, "I give up. They say don't count your chickens before they hatch but it sure is easier to do that than it is to count them after they hatch."
Joe went to the doctor because he had bulging eyes and a persistent ringing in his ears.
The doctor looked him over and suggested removing his tonsils.
The tonsillectomy resulted in no improvement, so Joe consulted a dentist who suggested that removing his teeth might eliminate the problem.
All of Joe's teeth were extracted but still his eyes bulged out and the annoying ringing in his ears continued.
A third doctor told him bluntly, "You have six months to live."
Feeling doomed and gloomy, Joe decided to treat himself right while he still had time, so he bought a flashy car, hired a chauffeur and a gardener, and got himself measured by a tailor for some new suits. To go along with the new suits, he decided that even his shirts would be made to order.
"Okay," said the shirt maker, "let's get your measurements. Hmm, thirty-four sleeve, sixteen collar..."
"No, I wear a fifteen collar" Joe told him.
"Sixteen collar," the shirt maker repeated, measuring again.
"But I've always worn a fifteen collar," said Joe.
"Listen," said the shirt maker, "I'm telling you right now... if you keep on wearing a tight fifteen collar, your eyes will bulge out and you'll have ringing in your ears."
The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes.
He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, "I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers". He laid out his chips and dip.
His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible! It's spoiled!" his boss yelled.
The salesman replied "IT IS? Want to buy a toothbrush?"
Harold, the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that . in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.
In the mountain backwoods you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He took it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, got ready to take flight. He took off running and reached the edge—into the wind he went!
Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Abner were sittin' on the porch swing, talkin 'bout the good ol' days, when maw spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen.
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaimed.
Paw stood up, "Git my gun, Maw."
Maw ran into the house and brought out his pump action shotgun. He took careful aim. BANG...BANG...BANG...BANG! The monster-size bird continued to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she said.
"Yeah," he replied, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"
For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked it be turned down because he was too hot, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. Pearl left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
Old Bud fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as Pearl got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, Bud said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
What Doctors Say vs. What They're Really Thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away." (I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.)
"Welllllll, what have we here...?" (He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.)
"Let me check your medical history." (I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." (I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is keeping me from the links.)
"We have some good news and some bad news." (The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.)
"Let's see how it develops." (Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." (I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." (I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." (I think I'm going to throw up.)
"This may hurt a little." (Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" (I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)
"This should fix you up." (The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)
"Everything seems to be normal." (Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)
"I'd like to run some more tests." (I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" (You're crazier than an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...)
"There is a lot of that going around." (That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.)
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." (I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week.)
Alternate Uses for Duct Tape
● Hate finding your mailbox clogged with junk mail, advertising circulars and bills? Duct tape your mailbox shut.
● Obliterate that blinking "12:00" on your VCR once and for all with a single strip of duct tape.
● Gals - duct tape keeps the toilet seat down
● Guys - duct tape keeps the toilet seat up
● Wrap sticky-side out around your hand to pick up fuzz, lint and pet hair from clothing and furniture also picks up small pets from clothing and furniture.
● Replace winter boots with socks wrapped in several layers of duct tape.
● Duct tape hand held games to your car's steering wheel for amusement during afternoon traffic jams. Also great on trips.
● High chair falling apart after the third kid? Duct tape will make it last for three or four more.
● Make a fashion statement: Patch old blue jeans with duct tape.
● Broken wooden serving spoons? Repair with duct tape, instant mock-silver service.
● Tired of refrigerator magnets tumbling to the floor each time you reach for a cold drink? Duct tape will hold the kids' artwork until they graduate.
Suzanne was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
She replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later, while visiting her grandmother, Suzanne asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."
Not long after their wedding, the newlyweds awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with the husband, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Great! What are we having for breakfast?" he asked
"Toast and juice." replied the bride.
A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.
He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.
He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
Four year-old Tanya was at the pediatrician for a check up.
As the doctor examined her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat.
He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.
As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney is on my socks."
To: All Employees
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, one older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied.
"Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Submitted by Pamm McMurtrie Lovejoy
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Submitted by Chad Rose
Philadelphia (PA) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia Pa courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone!
Oh come on--you know it's funny!! :-)
Submitted by Wilbert R. & Margaret A. Phelps Sr.
Two women in heaven (at least for this story's purpose) were discussing how they had died.
One said, "I froze to death. It wasn't so bad though. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
The other woman replied, "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating on me, so I came home from work early, in order to catch him in the act. I found him in the den watching TV."
The first woman asked, "What happened?"
"I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running and looking throughout the entire house. I ran up to the attic and searched thoroughly. Then I ran down to the basement and searched there. I ran to all the bedrooms and looked under all the beds and in each closet. I became frantic and after searching everywhere I became exhausted and just keeled over with a massive heart attack and died."
The first woman said, "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive.
Scott and Glenn were trying to measure a telephone pole. Every time one of them would get part way up, he would slide back down.
Then along came this really big, muscular guy who asked, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"
Scott replies, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."
The muscular guy wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground and tells them, "40 feet," then walks away.
Glenn turns to Scott and says, "What a idiot—we wanted the height, not the width."
As Joan was getting to know Kyle and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Joan said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
After a time, Joan and Kyle were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Joan again remarked on Kyle's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"
"It sure does," replied Kyle. "And I take after my mom."
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.
In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.
She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."
JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
The teacher looked over her third grade class and happened to notice her two students, Eddie and Dan giggling and talking during her lesson.
"Well, since you two are obviously listening so well, let's see if you can answer this one!" The teacher said with a smirk on her face, almost knowing that the two children would not know the answer to the question.
"What is the proper name to use when referring to a cow that has just given birth?"
There was a moment of silence, then a little hand was raised.
"Dan? You know the answer?" asked the puzzled teacher.
"Umm... yeah!" He replied with a not-too-sure look on his face.
"Well, let's here it."
"You would call her de-calfenated!"
Brian reported for his final exam which consisted of Yes / No answers.
He took his seat in the examination hall, stared at the test, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of his pocket. He started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.
Within 30 minutes he was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Brian frantically started flipping the coin again.
The moderator, concerned about what he was doing, stopped by his desk and asked if everything was ok.
"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago—but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications, so in order to determine which one to hire, the applicants were asked by the department manager to take a test.
Both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that?" asked the rejected applicant, "We both got 9 questions correct."
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the department manager, "On question #4 your fellow applicant put down, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"